They say that when one spouse goes at such an elderly age, the other isn’t far behind. That’s the reality, but I just can’t face it. My gramps is deteriorating very quickly. Ever since my Nana passed a few weeks ago, he’s been very confused. He retreats back to 20 years ago when he was working at the Daily News and commuting to Brooklyn everyday… He just goes back to a “safe place”. He has a full understanding that my Nana passed, but he just keeps going back in his thoughts to the first thing his mind can remember. Last night was especially bad. He knew, in the back of his mind, that he was in the

house, but he was just very confused and couldn’t understand why his mind wasn’t as sharp as it used to be. It was a bad night. We all only slept one or two hours. My mom called me back down at 7am and told me that she was taking him to the emergency room. She wasn’t sure if he had a stroke that affected his memory or if it was just natural. So they went to the ER.

He’s back home now. The doctors just said that he’s deteriorating quickly. They could put him in the hospital and they could put him on medicines and keep him there, but he isn’t going to benefit from that. My gramps wanted to be home with me and the kids, so they released him. There wasn’t anything that could be done, anyway. Just pain killers and waiting it out. I just can’t lose another grandparent. I lost my Pop Pop right before Labor Day, my Nana a few weeks ago and I just can’t handle another! My gramps is very resilient. I’m sure he’ll pull through for a while longer. I just hate facing reality.

So, yesterday I bought Alayna a Baby Alive doll. lol I loved mine when I was little, but they don’t have the ones with the food you mix anymore. It’s just water and a bottle. But this thing is so high tech, it cries at random intervals, wets it’s diaper and cries, laughs, etc… lol It’s slightly annoying at night and Alayna refuses to turn it off. She gets up and takes care of it as if it was a real baby.

I’m going to start writing about more interesting things in this blog. I want to make it a little more interesting than just my boring life. lol I’ll try. When I have time. lol

Great movie. The other day I had decided to rent some movies on iTunes. Since I have absolutely no idea of any movies there are out there, I just looked on iTunes main page for some ideas. When I saw August Rush on the front page, I remembered that I saw the previews for that a few months earlier and wanted to see it. I just never had the time to go to the theaters to see it! So I rented it. I pretty much forgot about it until I went to turn on Cinderella for Alayna and saw that I had rented it and it only had a limited amount of days left. So, instead of wasting money, when Alayna started watching Cinderella and Olivia went down for a nap, I decided to watch this movie.

Of course, I had to watch it with interruptions since Alayna needed dinner and Olivia woke up and needed to be fed and changed, but from what I watched with interruptions, this movie was absolutely great. I do want to watch it later tonight uninterrupted when the girls are all sleeping and I can have some peace, but the movie is great. I really do suggest that everyone watch this movie. I never really pick favorites with movies and stuff, but I really have to say that this would be one of my favorites. I don’t know exactly why, but I think the story line is great.

Alayna had to have a blood test today. She did very well except for a little bit of crying, but I expected her to cry!! The women at the lab were surprised at how strong Alayna was. (lol) But once she had the blood test, she realized it was absolutely nothing! (Although, for an hour and a half after she wouldn’t take her jacket off or stop whining…that’s how kids are!)

I’m frustrated with my Macbook. Last week I had called AppleCare and requested a new battery since mine just stopped working. They thought primarily that there was a problem with my Macbook itself, but they wanted to see if it was the battery first. They sent a new battery within a day and it started working great. Now it’s not working again. Well, the battery is working as it wasn’t before I requested a new one, but the charger won’t make the connection. Maybe it’s the charger. My next thing would be to talk to them about a new charger or I’d just buy one myself. I’m frustrated at the fact that my charger is taking forever to make a connection, and when you move the computer the slightest bit, the charger stops working. I just don’t want to have to shell out another $1000 + for a new Macbook. My Macbook is only a year old!

Honestly, I forgot about my domain until now. I’ve been so busy with the new baby, with my 2 year old, and with my family problems. I really only had the chance to be online for just an hour or two every day because of just life in general, so I had to put everything on hold. Things are getting slightly back in order, I guess, so I decided to maybe bring this back to life. Besides; I really do need to write some things down!

I’ll eventually work on actually making a layout for this… If I ever have ANYMORE spare time. lol!

I don’t know what these aches are.  It feels like pain down in my cervix.  I think I may be having BH contractions on top of that, but it’s only half my stomach that gets tight.  I also feel some aching but in the middle of my belly?  Thank God I’m going to the doctor on Tuesday.  She’s probably just going to tell me it’s normal pregnancy aches.  I don’t even remember back to Alayna.  I was just so uncomfortable with her that everything bothered me.  Today, up until now, I was feeling so excellent.  Now I just feel so shitty. Ugh.  I need to go to sleep soon and I have Ms. Monster that just wants to run around.  She won’t even watch the Wonder Pets Save The Reindeer DVD. :(  I’ll be in bed by 2 or 3 am again. lol

Tomorrow I work from 12:30-6:30.  I really don’t have any breaks because I forgot to schedule them, so I’m just planning on keeping snacks upstairs with me while I work.  I need to work something out with water too because I don’t want to be running back and forth to the kitchen and have a call come in and my not being there to answer it.  I don’t want strikes out on my performance metrics. :(  I’m a little excited to work tomorrow, yet I’m just so tired that I want to sleep all day tomorrow. lol  I think working is better than the alternative.  At least my mom will be able to stay with Alayna and my grandmother tomorrow.

I definitely had a breakdown this afternoon.  Alayna and I were eating soup and she was eating it great! (Her first time eating soup, really…)  All of a sudden after the noodles were gone she starts playing with it.  I told her nicely three times to stop before taking the bowl away.  She starts screaming and telling me I’m a “bad mommy” for taking it away.  Fine. lol  So I turn around and she’s playing with MY soup.  So I take that away.  She told me then that “Grandma would say she could”.  So I called my mom to tell her to tell Alayna that Grandma says no too.  Then Alayna just started smacking me!!!  I got so mad and by the time my mom was on the phone I was hysterically crying that Alayna wouldn’t behave.  It’s everything at once.  My grandfather being in the hospital, the fact that I can’t stand how the house is upstairs and my mom won’t come up to help me move furniture.  It’s just a fucking MESS because when I moved up there I brought the tons of boxes up and put them in the living room.  Now that I have new furniture int here I want to clean it up so I could get an estimate on the price of a new rug.  It’s a fucking mess and I want to be able to have it clean before Olivia is born.  I just feel that it will never be clean. Ever. I just hate things sometimes. :(  (P.S. We did end up cleaning for two hours and now a lot of the crap that was in boxes is in the garbage. lol)

I need to start actually having things to write about in this blog besides my life. LOL! I’ll start tomorrow.  I’m honestly so tired tonight that I could lay down on this couch and fall asleep so easily.  I have such cute pictures of Alayna to post, but I have no patience to upload them right now. lol  Tomorrow, definitely.

That’s what she’s been lately, a little devil!  Ever since my grandfather went into the hospital, she’s slept downstairs on her pull out Barbie couch with grandma and great grandma.  I’d love to stay down there and have a “slumber party” with them, but the couch hurts my back so badly.  Hell, I can hardly move on my own bed. lol  Pregnancy is seriously kicking my ass and badly.  Today is actually a good day with how I feel.

I’m so iffy lately on how I feel.  Physically, I feel like shit.  Mentally, I feel like shit.  lol  I’m so worried we won’t get the entire house finished by the time Olivia comes and secondly, my grandfather is still in the hospital.  They aren’t sure if he’ll be here before Olivia is born.  Which is going to cause a large problem for my mom.  My mom wants to be at the hospital when Olivia is born, but if my grandfather is in the hospital over here, she can’t just leave him.  He’s upset and hates being alone there.  I told my mom to just stay with my grandpa, since Olivia’s dad will most likely be there for the birth.  My mom keeps fighting me on it because she said she just can’t leave me.  Even if she has to wait in the waiting room, she just can’t leave me.  I told her that we’ll see how things go when Olivia is born and decide then who will be where.  Everyone is so sure that I’m going to have her early when I’m not even dilated yet! (Well, as of 2 weeks ago.)  I’m going to be asked to be checked at this appointment on Tuesday, because I know I’ve been getting irregular contractions and very regular Braxton Hicks contractions.  I’ve been having a lot of cervical pain and I just want to know at what point I’m at, if anything.  It will also give me a little bit of an idea of how much time I have to finish all that I have to.

I’ve been doing some digital scrap booking lately.  I got a few kits from some people for free, I’ve been spending small amounts of money on other kits, and I’ve been learning how to make my own kits so I don’t have to spend too much money on that stuff.   I decided to start from my pregnancy with Alayna so I could put everything together from the beginning.  I got a few done already and I’m going to be working on more tonight and tomorrow.  It passes the time and really helps my boredom when I feel like shit and can’t move.

Something I have to admit, is that I’ve become a huge E-Bay geek lately.  I bought a bunch of stuff and am currently hoping to win a Wacom tablet.  I used to have one when I was in college, but I lost it.  I really want to do vexels and stuff again, but I’m not the best at using a mouse for vexels.  I need to get some kind of Wacom tablet!!  The auction ends tomorrow and I’m going to wait until the last moment to bid higher.  There are two I’m watching.  One comes with loads of programs as well and the other is just the tablet/mouse/pen.  We’ll see!

So, I’m almost 35 weeks.  I’m hoping to God that I’m making some kind of progress so I’ll know this pregnancy will eventually end.  Right now, I feel like it never will.

34 WEEKS TOMORROW!! I’m very excited, it’s getting closer. Even though I’ve been feeling good for the past few days, I still can’t wait until Olivia comes. I’m just excited because it’s going to be great to have a baby in the house again. Alayna is hyped and counting the days with me until Olivia comes. She’s very happy that she’s going to be a big sister and keeps on asking me when Olivia is coming. lol She doesn’t seem the slightest bit jealous at all, actually. Which is a great thing. She wants to help out with everything including getting Olivia’s room fixed up. (lmao! I have a feeling that’s NEVER going to be done. )

Tonight at 9 is my certification class for Toys R Us customer service. (Seasonal) I didn’t get around to getting Windows XP today, which I need for that job, because when I was going to go out to Staples to get it, I felt (what I thought could be) two contractions. So I just decided not to drive on the highway tonight when that’s what it could possibly be. Thankfully, I haven’t felt any since those two…but it could be the beginning of it all. I’m just going to lay low tonight, attend my online class, and see what happens. I feel in between bleh and good. lol I’m not exactly sure which I feel stronger!! lol

I decided to see if I could try to get Photoshop for Windows. I used to have Photoshop 5 on CD…old school…but I lost that disc somewhere, unfortunately. It worked fine for me, but got lost somewhere in the move upstairs. I decided to try to find a more recent version. Of course I could download it from Limewire, but I don’t want to get any viruses on this computer. I’m petrified about getting viruses on this thing! lol Anyway, I found Photoshop CS2 on E-Bay this afternoon for $250. It’s worth it. Better than paying $500+ for it. Thank God for plastic money. lol Gotta love credit cards. I’m going to attempt to start making layouts again. I found a great tutorial website that someone on Ecstasy MB gave me, so I’m going to see if I can follow that and make some layouts. I used to make kick ass layouts. What happened to the old trend of HTML blogging. lol

That damn Broadway strike — It really better be over by January, because I have tickets to see Spamalot on January 18th. I really want to go, and I’ll be very disappointed if they keep that strike going until then or past then. I’m going to try to blog more often. Yeah. Fun. Woo. I need to eat. lol

At least I got one thing accomplished that I wanted to.  I got my pregnancy blog (Olivia’s webpage) done.  That’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while.  Since I think I now have the hang of making Word Press themes, I’m going to try to make my own tonight or tomorrow for this blog.  I just need a little more time to sit in quiet and review a tutorial someone sent me.  Wish me luck! LOL! I also have to finish Alayna’s website too.

Speaking of Alayna, my little diva still isn’t sleeping.  She decided she’s going to play.  How is she still full of energy!?  No nap!  I’ve been up just as long as she has and I’ve been dead tired since 5pm.  I also haven’t eaten dinner because Alayna won’t permit me to. LOL. I had a bowl of soup, but I need more than that.  I’m hungry. :(  She was going down to sleep earlier, but the dog and cat started fighting and woke her up.  Ugh.  So now she’s playing on the floor with stickers and her toy car.  My kid is officially nutso! LOL!  She’s adorable before, though.  She was trying to get Pixi (dog) to race with her and the dog was like, “WTF!?”

My grandfather has a bleeding ulcer and some kind of hernia.  They put a gastro tube in him last night but took it out today.  He also had to go for an Endoscopy, so my mom and uncle were at the hospital all day.  I was left with my grandma, who had a terrible day.  I’m extremely stressed out right now.  Alayna was a very good girl and tried her best to help, but she couldn’t do much except keep my grandma company when I went to the bathroom or something.  Okay, so, that’s that. lol

Tonight, Olivia’s dad called.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t get to the phone because my grandmother needed help and Alayna was running around like a crazed lunatic because she didn’t want to wear pajamas with the feet in them.  I couldn ‘t answer his call and talk logically with all of that going on!  I was hoping to call him back tonight, but Alayna is still awake, its almost 10:30, I haven’t eaten dinner, God only knows what time Alayna is going to go to sleep… Ugh.  I’ve been waiting for his call too.  I’m going to give him a call back tomorrow and just leave a message if he is at work because he and I really need to talk about a lot of stuff.

Tomorrow I’m hoping to go to Walmart and buy that laptop that’s on sale because I need a computer with Windows XP to work my Toys R Us job.  I think XP is only $20 or so, so I’m going to pick that up.  The laptop is an Acer but I don’t think that really matters.  I’m only going to use it for that Toys R Us job and any other jobs I contract for through Arise.  I will start posting hours for Apple starting Tuesday. (Monday is my Toys R Us certification.)  I will then feel a lot more financially stable because of the fact that I will have those two jobs plus my extra income job as a Cha Cha online search guide.  That doesn’t pay much at all, but hey…it’s extra income and it’s working from home.  That’s the most important thing to me.  That I’m working from home and can spend the time with my kids while I make money for them and their future.

I feel like absolute shit today, so I’m going to try to go to sleep when Alayna finally goes to bed.  I think Olivia is head butting my cervix or something because it hurts soooo bad sometimes.  There’s so much pressure and so much pain. They might say that I will go to full term because I’m not dilating yet, but with the way I feel, I doubt it.  I’d say 37/38 weeks at most. (Which is technically considered full term, but my doctor means like full blown 40 weeks.)  I turned 33 weeks yesterday and feel like a fat fucking blimp.  (I’ll post a picture tomorrow because I look too shitty tonight.

Oh well, I’m going to try to get Ms. Terror to sleep.

I’m so happy.  I finally got certified by Apple Computers!  I was supposed to take my certification calls tomorrow morning because my codes weren’t working when I was supposed to be certifying with my class, so she scheduled me for tomorrow morning.  Tonight at around 5 I got an e-mail asking me if I wanted to certify tonight because she had room in another class.  So I decided to take that since my grandfather is having surgery tomorrow afternoon!  Let me tell you…it was nerve wracking.  The first call I actually felt pretty comfortable on but I was just nervous to do everything right.  My second call was the worst call I had tonight.  The woman rushed me through the whole call, the Apple system was lagging a little so I was trying my best to get her the information quickly, and after I got her the information, she rushed me off the phone before I closed.  I got criticized by the certification professional for that call!!  My third call wasn’t too bad and I felt comfortable.  Just some iPhone questions which I could answer easily since I have one!! 

When I finished I started crying because I was sure I wasn’t going to certify.  I don’t know why but I was just so sure that the second call I took wasn’t good enough.  Fortunately, I got an e-mail from my instructor tonight that I certified and everything went fine!!  They based it on my first and last call which I did amazing on and said the second call was great for the customer rushing me. :)  I was so upset over NOTHING.  Now I’m home free until I have to go Toys R Us certification!  (Which shouldn’t be as hard as Apple was!!)

My doctors appointment went so good today.  I gained 17 pounds the whole pregnancy.  I did gain quite a bit in 3 weeks.  I gained 6 pounds in 3 weeks…I’m only supposed to gain a pound a week.  So they’re monitoring me even more for Pre Eclampsia, now…However my blood pressure is amazing and they don’t see protein in my urine yet.  Then again it all happened at the last few weeks with Alayna, so they just want to make sure.  I’m not dilating yet and my uterus is measuring perfectly so she shouldn’t be a big baby. Yay!  My next appt is in 2 weeks and then we’ll see.  2 weeks will put me at 35 weeks.  That’s around when I gave birth to Alayna, so I’m nervous. lol If I get past 35 weeks I’ll be great!!

Tomorrow my grandfather has surgery.  Not too much, just putting a stint in because he had a stroke and because his corroted artery is almlost 100% blocked.  They can’t do surgery on that because he’s too old and too much at risk, so they’re just putting the stint in and hoping that it does the trick.  I’m home all day tomorrow with Alayna and my grandma while my mom and uncle go with my grandpa.  I’ll probably be online and playing with Alayna most of the day. lol

I need to get to sleep.  I can’t even move anymore.  My body hurts in every way, I can’t lay down because every position is uncomfortable, when I sit up it feels like every organ is squishing and when Olivia kicks a certain way it hurts badly. :(  I just need to get to sleep and hope I feel better in the morning.

If I can post hours for work soon I’ll be so excited.  I can’t wait!!

I was doing some research tonight on majors and colleges around here and I found two colleges I think I’m definitely very interested in. Pratt Institute and Caldwell College. Both are the same distance away from me, just about. I really think that I’m going to major in Art Therapy. At first I was going to major in Social Work with a specialization in adoption services, but I really love art. Going from a sole Art School that I went to, to a regular college is just…blah! I know Caldwell College isn’t an art school, but the courses are just like that of an art school. I’m going to call them up and try to get some information on it. I have until February to apply so I’ll see… I do need to re-get my portfolio together, though. Thankfully, I have some new things from when I was in art school that I can put in my portfolio and I’ll probably re-do some pieces.

I cooked today. I made macaroni and cheese from scratch. It was really really good and everyone loved it. (Including Alayna! But she just loves mac and cheese anyway.) I felt very proud that people enjoyed my cooking. LOL. I hardly ever cook but know that I am capable of it if I just tried and took more time out to try. I figured with my 2nd daughter on the way, I need to get more domesticated. I really need to get more of that “house mom-ish” thing going on. lol

Okay, so, Alayna has been following me around ALL day begging me for this RoboPanda that she saw on TV. It looked cute from the commercial I saw, but then I went online to see that this damn thing is $150!! My grandmother already gave me $170 to get Alayna this American Girl doll that she wanted because our neighbor has it. I don’t know if I’m going to spend another $150 on a RoboPanda. Geez. That thing should cook and clean for that price! It’s a little crazy. I told her we’ll have to write a letter to Santa and see if he makes Robots. LOL! We’ll see if Santa has the funds to buy Mr. RoboPanda.